I forget the seasons sometimes, like one might forget where you put your keys the night before. I can feel them, like an empty weight of something that once had a place in your pocket. When Fall comes it's always disguised as a morbid rain, like monsters in my closet, something I thought I had grown out of a long time ago. Today is apart from any Fall day before this one, before there were selections of coffee to breathe in, a mountain of an office work to stress in and self-pity to comfort to. Now I have to be a grown up, it hurts to want to grow up when you don't even know what that means. My belly is growing bigger every time I look down at it and I can't wait until I'll know it's safe. That it's safe to think I'm still pregnant.
"About 20-30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. There is really nothing you can do to prevent it, we didn't know this before because women would just miss their period and that's how they knew they were pregnant. Nowadays women can down to their local drug store and pick a home pregnancy test. The DNA sometimes just doesn't…well it's just…"
"Nature" I hate my shy innocent voice sometimes, it sounds even more pathetic when I'm scared.
"Your hormones indicate that you're about 10 weeks…let's schedule you an ultra sound next week and we'll know more than, until then no intercourse."
I can feel my heart ache at every slight abdominal pain, every time I wipe myself and there is this residue of blood on the cheap white bath tissue. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's not my time. Maybe I'm different. Maybe.
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