"Insecurities are like running into that jerk of an ex-boyfriend and finding out he is in love with another woman."

I am not a very religious person, but I am a spiritual person. I know my life sucks most of the time, but I know that I am loved by some higher power watching over us, I feel it in my gut, in my soul on a constant basis. Last night I had a horrible nose bleed, I haven't had a nose bleed since elementary school. It was scary, I thought maybe I was dying or something. During the non-stop bleeding I managed to freak my boyfriend out too. He was trying to help me and I kept pushing him away. I was scared, and I noticed that when I get scared I am really defensive and irritable. I am glad that he was patient and stuck by me even though I was definitely displaying a dislike of his presence. He's either been accustomed to rapid mood swings or was genuinely concerned about me, or maybe both. I was exhausted after the nose bleed incident and fell right asleep. This morning on the bus I thought about how patient and loving Carlos was with me, even when I was such a pain in the ass. Aside from the lovey dovey stuff, I earnestly felt that I was blessed. I was blessed to have someone so understanding, so supportive, when I can be such a bull headed Taurus, to but it lightly.

I put the thought aside and I began reading this interview in "Poets & Writers" with four major editors, talking about their work and what writers should know about getting into the publishing industry. They talked about writing that was necessary, urgently present in the lives of day-to-day person. They talked about writing that took you to other worlds, like what reading was when you had a good childhood imagination. I thought about my writing, and felt like I'd never make it as a writer. The thought was depressing. I'm not good enough.

God must know be now, because he knows praise from others lasts a matter of minutes and then it fades into the long episodes of insecurities that my mind makes up. To make things a little more explicit, I ran into an old friend. One that isn't really good at giving compliments, but one who can spot honesty when he sees it. I talked to him about how I was all confused about life again. I didn't know if I wanted to be a teacher. I told him how this academic year had been focused on writing, and this had changed my whole perspective about what I want to do with my life. I love what writing did to me. It turned my skin inside out and opened a part of me that has been dormant and scared for a long time. Writing gives me energy, no matter how depressed and tired I am. The moment I started talking about what writing meant to me with him, the less I forgot how much of a bad writer I was. He told me that this feeling that I got from writing was my sign that I found something that I loved doing and worth pursing at all costs. He didn't tell me I was a good writer, but he let me tell myself that no matter what, it was something that was important to me.

It is nice to be able to recognize and cherish the gifts God gives to you. I don't doubt for a second that I am not loved by some higher power, something that makes us a whole as humanity, that connects us with each other in such special and inspiring ways. I just thought I'd share that with this open space I have.